From Summer 2013… How far I have come!
I pulled my car over to the side of the road for the fourth time and buried my head in the steering wheel, willing myself not to cry. Though the directions I had said the restaurant was 15 minutes away, I had already been driving for more then an hour and still couldn’t find it. Though I had looked up directions at home, on my phone, and called a friend to ask, I was still totally lost. And what killed me the most is that I knew this wasn’t me. I had never been this lost before and normally, I am really good with directions. But somehow lately everything I knew to be true about myself has disappeared. Since I was sick earlier this summer, I’ve healed in leaps and bounds with my thinking and energy. But somehow I’ve also managed to leave part of myself behind in the process.
I used to be great with directions, but somehow now I managed to get lost driving to the school I’ve been attending for the last 8 years. I used to have an amazing memory, but now I often can’t remember if I even ate dinner or not. I can’t remember much of my own graduation from med school, supposedly the biggest accomplishment in my life so far. And I feel like I’ve totally lost a part of who I am as half the time now I don’t even spell
my own name right.
Sitting in the car last week, about ready to drive home and lament my inabilities, I was suddenly hit with a new thought. My identity doesn’t lie in what I can do, say, spell, or where I go. And at the end of the day now I can’t depend on abilities I used to rely on or my frisky brain function to always help me out, but thankfully I can always trust in my never changing, amazingly wise, all-knowing God to get me through anything, any day. And my identity can’t rely in what I can do at work or home or even out on the road. The only way life stays forever secure is when we’re defined by only God. Because come sickness, financial strain, pain, confusion, unclear direction in life, work frustrations, great days or horrible ones, when everything around us can crumble or be totally unreliable, if we’re standing strong in only Him, we’ll barely even notice when everything else fails. “‘Though the mountains be shaken and the hills be removed, yet my unfailing love for you will not be shaken nor my covenant of peace be removed,’ says the LORD, who has compassion on you.” Isaiah 54:9-11 “Therefore, since we are receiving a kingdom that cannot be shaken, let us be thankful.” Hebrews 12:28a
Some of you have commented from the other snips I wrote that I’ve had an amazing faith through this summer. I appreciate that thought, but honestly, these are just little snips of encouragement I get from God and send to you hoping they encourage you as well. Most days have been really hard. Many times I’ve been frustrated or angry or overwhelmed by how everything has gone. And way too often I sit around just wallowing in self-pity. My doctor told me that my brain probably wouldn’t be totally back to normal for 3-6 months, so I guess I’m stuck with getting lost and mispelling random things until then. But luckily, I eventually stop listening to my own fears, and frustrations, and doubts and start listening to my Father. Somehow he manages to get me back to a place where I believe anything is possible, not because of anything I can do or any ability of my own, but because he’s always got it all under control.
So it doesn’t actually matter how broken, or confused, or lost, or tired I become- at the end of the day this was not now nor was it ever about my own abilities. It was always all about God. I am His. I am saved, justified, renewed, healed, strengthened, rested, directed, and capable of more then I can do not because my cognitive testing was “mostly normal”, or because I passed medical school, or because I finally stumbled into the restaurant last week, or just because I made it through the day. I am more then capable of the impossible simply because I am His. Thank you Lord that through everything we face, Jesus saves every single time.
“But we have this treasure in jars of clay to show that this all-surpassing power is from God and not from us. We are hard pressed on every side, but not crushed; perplexed, but not in despair; persecuted, but not abandoned; struck down, but not destroyed… Therefore we do not lose heart. Though outwardly we are wasting away, yet inwardly we are being renewed day by day. For our light and momentary troubles are achieving for us an eternal glory that far outweighs them all. So we fix our eyes not on what is seen, but on what is unseen. For what is seen is temporary, but what is unseen is eternal.” 2 Cor. 4:7-8; 16-17