My only truth

1200 times. Well, more than that really. That’s 1200 stages actually, some of which I failed and had to repeat time and time again. I wouldn’t even say I’m addicted. I actually stopped playing for a whole month because it was taking up so much of my free time. But here, I am again, playing a silly game on my phone on repeat over and over. Four more hours of free playing time? I won’t use that! But then somehow, I do. 

And I don’t really know why. 

But I do know that I can’t stomach any more of anything else. I can’t stomach more charts and endless graphs of how the numbers won’t stop and the people won’t listen and the medical professionals can’t fix it at all. I can’t stomach more stats of people on unemployment and notifications of closures of businesses and warnings of stock market crashes. I can’t stomach more doomsday prophecies and inexplicable weather conundrums and references to ancient plagues. And I really can’t watch more videos of men being chased like animals, kneeled on, and killed on video. 

I can’t do it. 

So, instead of scrolling the feed one more time, or trying to avoid painstaking ads and commercials, or deleting more email list serves,  I just don’t. I can’t. I won’t. So, I play. And for the first time in my life, I understand why teens spend hours a day playing video games. 

See, in this world, I actually have power. The decisions I make, the places I choose, the weapons I fight with have a notable and real impact that changes over the course of the game. It’s not like you lead a protest to see the exact same problem happen again tomorrow anyway… Your actions impact something real and determine something that lasts. 

See, in this world, I actually have control. I can decide what I do, how quickly it is accomplished, what I look like, and how long I want to hang out in the beautiful underwater world and crash through the one that makes my skin crawl. I can avoid stages I hate completely sometimes, find a work around that helps me avoid the things I can’t conquer or am freaked out by, and get it done. I can dance or sing to my hearts content. My actions count for something here. 

In this world, I actually have safety. As many fights, or predicaments, or misunderstandings, or issues as can arise, it doesn’t actually put me at risk. I’m not in layers of heavy protective equipment, hoping it actually works this time, pretending I didn’t hear about the thousands that already died wearing the same thing I have on now. I run out of money or points but it doesn’t impact how likely I am to eat when I do eventually get hungry. I’m not out for a refreshing job, suddenly fearing for my life. I can sleep at night, unafraid of lasting pain or death to my body, my mind, my soul- whether the murder hornets come or not! I am safe for once. Safely fighting a battle that is actually possible to win instead of the hundreds of impossibilities that exist that will never be solved. 

I can’t see more. I can’t face more. I can’t do it. 

So I click on the game icon one more time, and try hard to pretend that this world is my only truth.

Then sometimes I put down my phone. I get a glimpse of a way to change, to help, to serve, to go, to save, to encourage. I get a vision for what could be and take steps to get there. I hold fast to the truth I do know and believe it wholeheartedly. I let my tears wash over my heart and heal the wounds so I can start all over again- going full force into the real world with renewed hope for the possibilities it could bring. But then, somehow, another tragedy overwhelms the day. I’m reminded that I live in the real world where I sadly don’t have power, or control, or safety, nearly as much as I like to pretend I do. I sink back into the frustrations of reality and run out of energy to fight a battle I know I can’t ever win, a world I can’t actually change, and with people who can’t see the truth. And it’s tempting to go right back to playing a game where I play solely to ignore the life I actually live. 

But other times I’m reminded that even in the darkest of circumstances, thankfully, “The Lord is faithful, and he will strengthen and protect you from the evil one.”  (2 Thessalonians 3:3) God not only has the ability to comfort us from the pain, but is the only one with the ability to literally change the tides. So I rest not on my ability to figure it out, or my tendency to run away from the issues entirely, instead, I chose to rest on Him. So the game that has far too often become my crutch lately, instead becomes an opportunity to take break, reset, and find the hope I far too often lose sight of- God is still in control.