I am fine

“How is your back feeling after doing the exercise?”

“What? I did the exercise, I completed it.”

“That’s great! But how are you feeling now that you finished it?”

I froze, unsure how to answer the question to this very foreign concept. “How did I feel” after having completed a task? Since when did that matter? Do what you’re told, do it to the best of your ability, and keep it up. In what world were my personal feelings and emotions related to the task at hand ever important?

And then I really froze. Because not only did I not know how to assess myself and see if my back felt better or not, I felt the issue was much deeper than that. I had no idea how to assess my emotional health either. I only knew how to do what was required of me. 

This particular physical therapy session this summer really surprised me. The funny thing is, I had done physical therapy multiple times before. In fact, the exercises and stretches I regularly do for my back stem from therapy a decade ago. And yet, I’d never made the connection that after completing a single exercise, I should feel a definable change. Should I be better after completing weeks of PT? Absolutely. But after a single stretch, do I ever stop to think if things are better or not? Never.

And I don’t do it in my regular life as well. But honestly, do any of us assess ourselves well? 

I frequently start of my patient encounters with the common question, “How are you doing?” 99% of them say fine. Most of them are at the doctor because something is not fine, but the response is pretty much always “fine.” Why is that exactly? Partially, because we consider this normal behavior- the “proper” response to the question is “fine,” whether it’s true or not. Partially, we don’t want to admit the truth that something is wrong, assuming the person doesn’t care anyway. Partially, we don’t want to admit to ourselves that anything is wrong either.

We all become experts at putting on a happy face and acting like everything is normal, whether it is or not. But the sad truth is, the more we pretend like everything is fine, the more that compounds the problem we are actually hiding. It’s like we’ve completely lost out ability to process the bad things, and instead hide them away in closets assuming they are going to fix themselves. Media makes us kings and queens at this- highlighting the beauty and amazement from every day and pretending nothing else matters. Because you might get some response to posting “I’m not fine,” but you’ll probably get a much bigger one from that crazy video of a cat.

And our lives at school and work don’t make expressing ourselves any easier. During my training, I was often evaluated. I was frequently corrected. Told to get out of the way. Given much more trust than I felt I deserved. But never once was I asked how I felt after having performed an activity. Never once asked to evaluate myself- my experience, my emotional needs, my limitations, my frustrations. I had to just keep going, no matter what.

And though this is a big problem in medicine in particular, it’s becoming a growing problem everywhere. We have all become experts at putting on a happy face and acting like everything is normal, whether it is or not. So, what do we do about it?

Well, we have to start with getting real with ourselves. Expressing the things and feelings we didn’t even know were allowed. Allowing ourselves to be vulnerable with our toughest and often meanest critic-  ourselves. I am honestly amazed at passages from the Bible that say that people would mourn for weeks on end with ashes covering their head while wearing sackcloth. When is the last time you expressed yourself like that? And, too be fair, this is a cultural difference that we don’t express ourselves like that with loss. But it’s also a cultural difference that we’re a lot more likely to burn ourselves out of our goals, our dreams, our jobs entirely. So let’s start with getting honest with us.

Step one, assess yourself. How are you really feeling after having completed a task? Find a great word to express it. Use something besides “fine.” Try something more like “elated,” “incompetent,” “overwhelmed,” or “relieved.” Try putting a real pin on what you are currently experiencing because of a certain situation. Aren’t good with words? Try finding a poem, book, or song that expresses it for you.

Step two, repeat. Assess yourself again. Tomorrow, next month, a few hours later, next winter… Do it again. And again. And again. The more often you are trying to “pin the tail on the expression” the better you get at identifying emotions other than “fine.”

Step three, get real. Assess your assessment and determine where you are leaning. Are you being overly dramatic about something that is not a big deal? Are you majorly underplaying something that has a big effect on your life or your health? Are your expectations or your reactions more likely to lead you off course from where you’re trying to get to in life? We all have tendencies to go off course for one reason or another- what is truly dragging you away from fulfillment, satisfaction and peace where you are right now in life? 

Strep four, express it. Tell someone else you trust. In a safe place. In a safe way. Don’t randomly unload all of your frustrations with your job this year on your boss in an exasperated tsunami. Calmly bring all your feelings together with reality and be honest about them.

Obviously, I’m no expert at this. But if we can start here, I think it will start us off for a lifetime of honesty and true wellness.