How burnout destroyed my career

Everything crumbled in my professional, personal, and spiritual life last year. I was left without work, with multiple friends walking away from me, and so depressed I actually begged God to just leave me alone and find someone else to “do his bidding”. I went from working part time in medicine and part time in ministry to sitting at home alone for months in a row being turned down for literally everything. And it was the second time I burned out in six years which is crazy since I’ve only been employed for six years.

But this time I actually used some time to mourn. Mourn the patients, the time, the energy, and the things that I had lost at work. Deuteronomy says that the Israelites grieved for 30 days after Moses died- have you ever spent more than a day mourning anything in your life? (Deuteronomy 34:8). And unlike the first time I burned out, I actually started working through all my fears  and frustrations. And it helped me see that I had spent far too long burying my problems. I kept dealing with all the obvious surface problems- I need to eat better, sleep more, be nicer at work… but largely kept pushing off my problems at work as something I would “deal with later.” But as I started going back through my journal and songs from the first time I burned out, I realized I was actually looking at the exact same problem I thought I had dealt with years ago- me working hard because of perfectionism. I was still overwhelmed and still scared to admit that buried deeply underneath everything else was this simple fear- I didn’t think I was smart enough to be a doctor.

It’s absurd, really. But it’s true. It managed to be a thorn in the foundations of my career from the very beginning- since the day I sent in medical school applications. And it wouldn’t go away. No matter how many degrees I got, how many awards I added, how many tests I passed, and how many people said I was awesome. I still believed deep down inside that I wasn’t good enough. And the reason I worked myself to the bone all those years was to attempt to prove my very worth.

I mentioned once that I don’t like Christian music, and by that I don’t mean that I think it’s all worthless. I mean that far too often, we do this- skim over the surface of a problem and lay more happy verses and half-hearted happy memes and encouraging thoughts on top of a foundation that literally just needs to be ripped out and laid down with the truth.

And the truth was I fought and worked and pushed so long and so hard because I thought I had to. Because I thought God wanted me to… Because I promised my program I would… Because I didn’t know how to do anything but keep fighting and striving and proving myself to everyone… But I had to wade through my own frustrations and pain and the distractions that were covering the core. I had to rip out the lie that said I was not good enough and let God replace it with the truth that I am His chosen, anointed, and redeemed one. The truth is that I am not working to prove myself, or earn a spot, or beg for recognition from God- that was taken care of long ago. Jesus is the one who proved and improved me. Jesus saves us from our sin. Saves us from our doubts. And thankfully, saves us from the lies that we’ve believed our whole lives. And he doesn’t just bury them again, He plucks them from the very life they are destroying. He digs them out and refills in a cement casing that will never crack because it’s built on the truth Jesus established long, long ago: I am forgiven. It is forgotten. I am redeemed. And I am good enough. He comes in and rewrites my fears, my doubts, my exhaustion, my worth, and even my career. Thank you, God, that you can re-write my future for me.

Because my past is filled with way too many nights of reviewing, and redoing, and restudying things to prove to myself what I am capable of. My past is filled with me setting up unrealistic expectations of “how a doctor should look and talk and act” and trying to fit into a mold I never fit well in. My past is filled with heartbreaking medical problems in my patients and overwhelmingly exhaustive work days where I still question my every action. My past is full of painful depression symptoms and lies that suggested maybe I should give up and end my life completely. My past is full of lies, and fears, and insecurities that however well hidden most days, still managed to break down my confidence, my abilities, and eventually my very career. But regardless of what is in your past, you do not have to continue to fall into the same traps I did. There is freedom available to you for God to rewrite the “way it’s always been done” and give you the rest and power and vision to do it all well. But it doesn’t come from how hard you work, it comes from how many of your problems you give up to God.

So the truth is you don’t fix burnout by adding on new activities, or going on a long vacation, or even by quitting your job. You fix burnout by going down to the depths of your insecurity and fears and drive and asking God to remove what once was and replace it with the truth. And maybe what you have buried is different then mine- maybe trying to prove yourself to your parents, or getting over a bad mistake in your past, or an expectation your field gives that you can’t live up to. But either way, what God replaces it with is something that doesn’t crumble even when life does. He gives you life not built on empty promises, or temporary acknowledgements, or built on how long you can survive until things magically right themselves again. He gives you a renewed, life-giving spirit that does not ever cave. Once you get there, you can add on all the vacations you like, but they mostly help you maintain your sanity. Only God can truly fix your brokenness. Luckily, He loves to do so, and will do so for you just like He did for me.